with equal parts compassion & hilarity

RE: Follow Up

Dear Hiring Manager,

Dave Johnson, right? I know I am right because I scoured the company website, Googled your history and Facebooked you. I know the names of your immediate family members, that you have a slightly odd obsession with the hashtag blessed (#blessed) and even where you were last Thursday night (watching your son bruise his right knee after he literally sprinted into 7 of the 10 hurdles in the 110m hurdle race). In fact, I feel like I know you so well I am comfortable addressing you by your first name.

Dear Dave,

I am emailing to express my continued interest in the available position with your organization. My perspective on the job opening remains the same as outlined in my cover letter with a few minor updates.

  1. I failed to mention that I have the magic touch. Whenever my coworker experiences technical difficulties which happens at an alarming rate because #technology, I provide moral support by either Googling S.O.S. or standing near her desk suggesting simple and unlikely solutions. Usually she is able to determine the issue and remedy it, but not until after I display my mere presence. And then we high five like bosses. Thus, I have the magic touch which (I’m sure) makes me an appealing top candidate.
  2. I referenced the soap dispenser in my cover letter. Well, it now lies in total disrepair rendering the first floor bathroom completely unusable. My ability to cope has decreased to near intolerance.

Dave. What are the next steps in the application process? I am becoming restless. Please consider me.

Signing off with a great percentage of satire and a small degree of sincerity,

Alexis Schermer

P.S. Also, I am intelligent, skilled at learning and am a Googling mastermind. As a direct result of those three traits, I can pretty much learn anything. If that does not merit instant hire, I do not know what else does. What do you do all day, anyway? You’ve got a prime candidate in your emailing midst. Act now, Dave.

[header image source: iStock]

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