with equal parts compassion & hilarity

RE: Offer Letter

Dear Ms. Schermer,

Dave Johnson here – I’m sure you know that since you apparently stalk me online which I find to be a little bit discomforting.

I must be quite frank with you. I was extremely taken aback at your abrupt (rude?) and rather unprofessional cover letter. At the same time, your language and phrasing was beautifully constructed making the overall letter much less unpleasant to read. At least you have that going for you.

If you were looking for the silver lining that was it. Funny story, my wife hates it when I try to find the silver lining. She thinks it’s a form of quasi empathy or sympathy and even showed me this video with the hopes that I would learn emotions better or something. But, I tell her I’m a man and that I can’t help it. Amazingly, she still loves me. I really think I got the better end of the deal with the whole marriage thing. Moving on.

In regards to your follow up email, please don’t talk about my son’s bruised knee from the hurdles because it’s weird. Although, I suppose if you must know, both his knee and ego are recovering quite nicely.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but for reasons inexplicable to me I apparently find your highly unconventional and inappropriate methods of pursuing the available position within my company appealing. That type of inappropriateness might be just what this company needs. It’s been awhile since HR really had legitimate work to do. And, I’m desperate.

The job offer is outlined as follows:

Wage: livable (unless you have aspirations to backpack Europe and currently maintain a massively high interest rate on your student loans)

Benefits:

  • Lax policy on browsing the interwebs during work hours as we encourage business to occur via social media channels. #hipandwithit
  • While we cannot match your 401k, the executive staff can and will offer you a genuine smile everyday. Everyone knows compensation in the form of warm fuzzies beats out cash anyway.
  • Functional soap dispenser.
  • Functional office copier machine.
  • Very expensive coffee that we ship from across the world. It’s worth it because 34% of the cost is donated to trustworthy international organizations that fight social injustices. This is not a full-fledged guilt trip, but you do want to help fight the bad guys, right?

Are you in? (Make sure you reread the part where I mentioned the executive staff give a genuine smile to employees everyday!)

I hope you accept.

In dire desperation,

Dave Johnson

2 Responses to “RE: Offer Letter”

  1. Alexandra Floersch

    Was this real? Because this is hilarious! We need to catch up.

    Like

    Reply
    • aschermer

      Alex-
      Thanks for the read! No, it’s not real, ha. However, in my real life I recently received & accepted a legitimate offer letter which helped to inspire this little gem here. Wouldn’t it be crazy if it was real though?! 😉 We should definitely catch up!

      Like

      Reply

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