with equal parts compassion & hilarity

Look, It’s Over Between Us, Okay?

This post was inspired by my final day at my current job. I’m expecting to say many “see you laters”, but only one definite goodbye. Break up, really. One break up. With L.J. Who is L.J. you ask? Remember how I told you I like suspense? Maybe you don’t, but I did tell you. Well, have a little suspense today. You have to read to the end for the full reveal of L.J.

Dear L.J.,

Listen, I really need to talk to you about something. I know you have the time because since we’ve been an item I have inadvertently memorized your schedule down to the minute. Ahem, please don’t interrupt me.

I don’t know how else to say it, so I’ll just say it real quick: we’re done. I’m sorry. I just can’t do this anymore. Sometimes I really feel like it’s working, that things are going well and that the connection is great you know? Like, it is just so wonderful. And then, all of a sudden and completely out of nowhere BOOM. Total malfunction. Error code 447E. As if you don’t love me anymore, let alone like me. So, whatever “it” was, “it” is gone. “It” isn’t working anymore.

Maybe this is tough to hear; we’ve been together for a while – 11 months. Can you believe that?! Who could have known that it would have lasted this long? Going into this, I was expecting a temporary relationship – 3 months maximum. Seriously, that’s all the time I was budgeting for. However, for reasons beyond my control we stayed together. If there is one reality in life I have learned to count on, it is that any plan made is a plan that will be changed. I am learning to be flexible to the changes.

Now, this is not to say our time together was all bad.

We had some really great moments laughing and stocking up on stories from the ridiculous encounters with the people of this town we met while together. We have a lot of solid mutual friends which also makes me question whether or not this is going to get a little weird. Because we’re both fairly mature, I am confident we’ll be able to push through to the point where it is no longer awkward. (At the very least, I know I will be able to. If you can’t, well, you’re just going to have to make some new friends then).

If we’re brazenly honest with ourselves we knew things were heading downhill. It was simply a matter of time before we reached our expiration date. I learned a lot from you and a lot about myself which I guess is ultimately all you can ask after a concluded relationship, right? Oh, and donuts. We ate a lot of donuts in our relationship too which is always a win in my book.

You know what though? Maybe I’m giving you too much credit. Mostly, I learned all of your sneaky tricks and how to decipher your odd electronic nuances. I am assured in my ability to coax you out of a jam. Thus, if ever my replacement needs a translator, they can give me a ring. Just kidding. Don’t tell them that. We’re done. I much more prefer a clean break, you know?

It’s been real. It’s been fun. It may physically pain me to say it’s been real fun though. Therefore, I won’t.

Goodbye, LaserJet 4100N.

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