with equal parts compassion & hilarity

Are You Afraid of Growing a Third Nipple Too?

Click bait. Gotcha (but, the question still stands).

Happy Halloween, folks! In case you missed it, this month is October. In this month is a holiday called Halloween. Orange is everywhere. People dress up in costumes. People try to scare other people in haunted corn mazes or houses or basements. People are persuaded into watching scary movies. Usually, it’s suckers like you and me who allow themselves to be persuaded into watching scary movies by the attractive man who we’re currently on a date with. The attractive man basks in the glory that is your reaction of forgetting how to breathe, jumping 74 feet in the air and unintentionally jabbing your elbow into his side when the rabid dog suddenly throws itself into the room after the innocent girl. Ugh, attractive men, I tell ya what. 

In light of this holiday, I have found myself thinking about things that scare me. I’ll primarily share the irrational things because even though I love you, I don’t know you quite well enough to tell you how I’m fearful of never reaching my full potential because in my gut it feels like I’m not there yet and that there’s something really big coming.

Anyway, it’s a very vague feeling, but it’s there and oh, no, I guess I did just reveal a piece of my soul to you. Ah well, hasn’t everyone thought that way before at some point? It’s relatively normal because how unfortunate would it be if I felt I had reached my full potential as a twenty-something?!

Nonetheless, here’s a brief list of my irrational fears:

  1. Losing my eyebrows. Will my face still be a face without my beloved eyebrows? Seriously, one time my sixth grade teacher told me I had beautiful, thick eyebrows and that has made all the difference in my life. I Tweeted that once. It’s true. You should follow me on Twitter because I will sporadically tweet funny things and because I’m trying to build a larger following. My end goal is to convince you to adapt my sense of humor and establish a cult where we drink Apothic red wine and bike across countries. Now, tell me again how you’re unsure about following me on Twitter.
  2. Spiders in the shower. Everything about that statement should make you cringe. If it doesn’t, you are dead to me because only aliens would not be fearful of spiders in the shower and I draw the line on friendships with alien creatures.
  3. Dying before knitting a sweater. What kind of knitter would I be if I never finished a sweater?
  4. Accidentally swallowing too much chlorine water while attempting a flip turn in a pool. I still haven’t mastered the flip turn. Something about breathing out my nose while somersaulting underwater throws me off. At this point in my life, I’ve over analyzed it so much that I am literally afraid I might accidentally poison myself from all the chlorine water I could potentially inhale.
  5. Suddenly develop a severe case of gluten intolerance. Carbs are my favorite. People ask me what my favorite food is and I typically respond, “Carbohydrates. Specifically, I like my carbohydrates in the form of bread, muffins, chocolate, chai tea lattes and pancakes.”
  6. Being pants-ed. This was, and probably still is, every middle-school, pre-teen aged persons nightmare. When I was a middle-school aged person, I was stricken with fear of the possibility a wonderfully kind, er, I mean, rude and insensitive boy that I still had a massive crush for, would come up behind me during passing time and pants me. My strategy back then was to tighten the drawstring on my sweatpants taut to where it was almost physically painful, position myself near the edge of the hallway and walk on high alert, darting my eyes as I routinely scanned my surroundings for repeat offenders. Not much has changed.
  7. Never finding a signature drink. Essentially, having a go-to signature drink to order at the bar or eating establishment is the epitome of adulthood. Lately, I’ve been leaning towards a gin inspired something, but it’s difficult to ignore the toughness a whiskey drink emits.
  8. Growing a third nipple. I have heard from former coworkers that it’s possible to grow a third nipple if you’re pregnant. Like, it lies dormant until your hormones rage and just when they’re out of control, POP!, the third nipple emerges. Should I ever become pregnant, my fear will heighten to the nth degree. You should know I am not totally sure if this is factual in any way, shape or form, but I’m fairly certain there is some element of underlying truth. I avoid WebMD to preserve my sanity. In regards to the concept of fact-checking, I think in this specific instance, it’s funnier to not know for sure one way or the other. Risky, I know. I’m a big risk taker.

What are your irrational fears? Tell me everything.

3 Responses to “Are You Afraid of Growing a Third Nipple Too?”

  1. ral

    You are just plain crazy (in a good way of course) (: Have you ever listened to Paul Simon’s “Still Crazy After All These Years”. Check it out on youtube.


    • aschermer


      Ha, thanks – I like to keep people on their toes! Huh, I did just listen to “Still Crazy After All These Years” on repeat for an hour. It’s complex, I’m still trying to decide what I think the lyrics mean. What do you think?



  2. 37 people

    There’s nothing irrational about a fear of spiders in the shower! I have firsthand experience. Remind me to tell you that story. If it’s an irrational fear then I refuse to be a rational person 😉

    And try a vesper martini. Life changing…



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